About Grief

Everything You Feel Is Normal

          Grief has no timeline or rulebook that tells us what to feel and do for complete healing. It is characterized by a set of emotional, spiritual, cognitive, behavioral, and physical responses to a loss that are all unique to the individual who is grieving. These symptoms can collectively be referred to simply as Grief Syndrome. Grief begins the mourning process - it can last weeks, months, or even years. Loved ones coping with the initial trauma of the loss often suffer symptoms such as physical tiredness, achy, emotionally drained forgetfulness, and other ailments.

          These initial symptoms translate into the process of Mourning. This process is also called "Grief Work" and defined as the natural bereavement process occurring after a loss, bringing changes in one's self-concept, aspirations, goals, and relationships to the outside world aimed at loosening the attachment to the deceased for reinvestment in the living. When someone is in the mourning stage, they've accepted the loss and are working ot adjust to a new routine.

          Sigmond Freud proposed in his theory of grief that "mourning comes to a decisive end when the subject severs its emotional attachment to the lost one and reinvests the free [energy] in a new object". Often, this gets misinterpreted a saying that once we 'get over' the loss we'll be fine and things will revert back to the previous normality. 100 years later we've made great strides in the study of Grief to understand that mourning isn't about going back to what was normal. Grief Work is instead about creating a new normal and finding renewed positivity in aspects of your life after accepting the loss. It's important to remember that there's no 'normal' amount of time to mourn. it's different for everyone and may last months, years, or even forever.

Acceptance May Seem Out of Reach

          For many, acceptance means agreeing to reality. Most of us, when we lose someone dear to us, simply don't want to agree to it; we as humans naturally have an aversion to agreeing and accepting change - especially an emotionally traumatic change such as the death of a loved one. So, let's use a different word - try "adjustment" or "integration". Both words focus on the purposeful release of disbelief. Someone who has integrated the death of a loved one into their life has cleared the path to creating a new life, a pro-active life where a loved one's memory is held dear. Perhaps as a motivating force for change.

          It's a slow process which takes care and time. In "Coping with the Loss of a Loved One", the American Cancer Society cautions readers that "acceptance does not happen overnight. It's common for it to take a year or longer to resolve the emotions and life changes that come with the death of a loved one. The pain may become less intense, but it's normal to feel emotionally involved with the deceased for many years after their death. In time, the person should be able to reclaim the emotional energy that was invested in the relationship with the deceased and use it in other relationships".

          Whatever words you want to use to describe it, this essential part of mourning is what allows us to live fully again. It allows us to step out of the darkness of mere existence and back into the sunshine where life is sweet again. Of course, it's a very different life than the one we had before the loss.

Sources:

 

  1. Freud, Sigmund. On the History of the Psycho-Analytic Movement Papers on Metaphyschology and Other Works.
  2. Worden, James, Grief Counseling & Grief Therapy: A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner, 4th Edition, 2009.
  3. Fleming, Stephen. The Changing Face of Grief: From 'Going On to 'On-Going''
  4. Joseph, Stephen. What Doesn't Kill Us: the New Psychology of Posttraumatic Growth
  5. American Cancer Society, "Coping with the Loss of a Loved One", 2012

 

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